Things you Shouldn’t Do While Cooking Meth in a Wal-Mart

It’s a short list, because most people, when they ask themselves the question, should I cook this meth in a Wal-Mart, the answer is decidedly no. But, the list has to exist for a reason. On that list?

  1. Don’t shoplift while Cooking Meth in a Wal-Mart

That is the extent of the list. However, a woman in South St. Louis County apparently did not adhere to that rule.

A customer cooking a so-called “one pot” batch of methamphetamine inside a pop (*Editor’s Note: Soda, fool*) bottle in her purse caused the Thursday night evacuation of the South County Walmart store.

The woman was caught shoplifting an item unrelated to meth-making when store security and then police discovered the 20-ounce bottle, St. Louis County police Lt. Mark Cox said.

I had no idea you could cook meth in a 20-ounce bottle. But, I haven’t watched nearly enough Breaking Bad.

I guess the convenience of cooking meth in a Coca-Cola bottle makes sense these days. What, with people always on the go, who wants to cook meth in their basement and deal with having to clean that mess up? In a society where Twitter has become King, of course Meth is going to become portable.

“There are lots of one-pot cooks,” Cox said. “But taking it into Walmart is very unusual.”

Lets just go ahead and add the words, “that I know of.” to the end of that sentence, Mr. Cox.

Cox said it did not appear the woman was trying to steal any of the ingredients used in the meth-making process and did not begin making the concoction inside the store.

This is really the best part of the story. She got stopped stealing just random goods. But, I guess on the bright side the woman was extremely confident in her ability to Retail Fraud.

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Hey Lions Fans, Don’t do this Next Season

The Detroit Lions will make the playoffs next year. They are a Franchise on the rise, and, hey, as long as they have Calvin Johnson, they’re going to scare some folks.

Speaking of trying to scare some folks:

The Saints were pulling away in the second half of a Jan. 7 wild card playoff game when stadium officials received a call from a man who said, “I will blow up your building.”

Simple.

Yes, this man, a Shawn Payton of Jackson, Michigan, called the SuperDome…excuse me, the MERCEDES BENZ Superdome and did this number. But, wait, there’s more:

the Superdome took another call: “Hi, I want you to relay a message to the sideline. If your stupid Southern team keeps winning, there will be reper…severe consequences. OK?” said the voice on the phone.

Good job representing Michigan by not even knowing how to pronounce the word “repercussions,” pal. Although, to be fair, Stupid Southern Team is a better team name than the Saints.

Relax, folks, this story does have a fairytale ending…

…If by fairytale ending you mean pleading guilty to a felony count of transmitting threats to injure in interstate communications, which holds a maximum penalty of five years and/or $250,000 fine. Oh, and the Lions still lost, unfortunately.

From time to time, I do get frustrated and go off without meaning it, ” he said.

Here’s the thing, I’m guessing the Court will be rather lenient with this guy and he’ll get some kind of probation and anger management, and maybe a recommendation to purchase a stress ball. But, when Roger Goodell gets a hold of him? Watch out!

Amazingly, this guy is still less of an embarrassment to the Lions than Matt Millen.

It’s not really an easy crime if you get caught…

Interviewer: Do you have any remorse about stealing from a 9-year old girl?

Thief: Right now, no. Because, I’m kinda pissed. Because I have charges…and, we had to give the money back anyway.

Wow.

Two girls steal money from Girl Scout’s. Why? Because they wanted money. And, they thought it would be an easy crime. Get caught. Then, they give an interview where they are rather upset that they had to give back the money they stole AND also have criminal charges.

The second girl also seems rather jealous that the Girl Scout’s are now selling sympathy cookies.

The lesson learned? “Probably not to get caught…or, MAYBE, not to steal.”

The best part about this? These girls who were so desperate for money that they took down a 9-year old like she was Andy Garcia’s Casino in Ocean’s 11 give an interview while each sipping on some kind of frozen Starbucks drink that undoubtedly has to cost like 8 dollars.